confessions of an x-phile :)

ok so tonight i fell off the wagon so hard- right on my face- i then got up- jumped up and down- and then fainted... by the time i had stopped squeeing and screaming "omg omg omg" over and over again- the wagon had rolled down hill- it was so far i couldnt even see it anymore... but i was so high on x that at the moment i couldnt have cared less where the wagon was...

what made me jump off the wagon? what got me so high i couldnt think straight all night??



for 10 1/2 years i have been obsessed with one specific scene (ok ive been obsessed with 201 eps and a movie and the possibility of a second movie and then a second movie) but stick with me- one scene more than any other has been my obsession- my mantra- my favorite quote ever- it in my mind was always the scene to end all scenes- utter perfection on tv- or well in this case a movie...

but the thing is that as perfect as i thought it was- well the ending of the scene- its good but well i always hoped it ended differently- and so for 10 1/2 years each time i watched this favorite scene of mine i sat at the edge of my seat thinking- maybe this time- maybe this time it will be diff- maybe this time the bee wont sting her- maybe this time they'll kiss... and whats funny is that im happy the didnt kiss- it would have been too early for RST- we still needed the angst of season 6 to get us to the ship of season 7... but as a scene on its own- all i wanted was for the bee to go away- maybe it flew away in that fbi meeting- i dont know- i just wanted my favorite scene- the perfect scene- to be even more perfect (which cant happen b/c something that perfect cant be more perfect but then we ARE always striving for a more perfect union)...

and tonight- tonight that dream came true... after 10 1/2 years i watched my favorite scene- my favorite lines... my favorite moment... and the bee didnt sting... and they kissed- and not some crappy lit kiss like in the truth... and not some awkward first "does she want me to do this" kiss like in millenium (which i do actually love) and not a "hey look we have a baby" kiss or a "ur not really scully" kiss... but a woah omg thats the most romantic kiss i have ever seen- this is the stuff fic is made of and omg my dream just came true...

anyways so yes as a rebound phile (ill have to track down the wagon sometime after i buy the iwtb dvd next week) i would like to confess that ive been waiting for this for 10 1/2 years and it has surpassed every fantasy i have ever had of this scene...

i love u chris... i love u david... love u gillian... love u rob...

just wow..

let the sqiueeeing and omg-ing continue!!!!

confessions of an ex-phile

i gave up x-files about 2 weeks ago... and i've been watching west wing to fill the void...

this is what i wrote tonight:

i love west wing
its a great show
and it makes me smile
and its a good ensamble
but its like it's not right
like u know how u can go out with a guy
and he can be great on paper
good looking, smart, witty
he can make u smile
make u laugh a lot
u can enjoy spending time with him
and he's great
but he's not ur husband
and i mean u might not even know why
but he's just not ur match
thats how i feel about west wing
or maybe it is a great show and ive just had my heart broken with a bad divorce too recently
and im just not ready to jump in
like west wing is a rebound show
i dont know
but i miss my husband
i miss the one that gets inside of me
and doesnt just make me smile when i watch it
but can make me smile at odd hours of the day
just b/c i think if it
the one that keeps me up all night
the one i would keep on my ipod... as a background on my phone, on my computer
the one i'd read about
spend crazy money on
meet total strangers just b/c they also love him
i miss my perfect other
i miss touchstone... my constant
i owe him everything... and he owes me nothing


so im just asking like if u see me upset or in a bad mood and u dont know why... well i feel like a part of me was torn out... and u can call that pathetic but u wouldnt laugh at an addict going through rehab... or someone who just got a divorce or going through a bad break up... there are these 2 people out there- and i dont care of technically they aren't real b/c to me they are more real then a whole lot of living breathing individuals walking this planet- and i just-i miss them- i miss them a lot- i feel like i just lost 2 people that i love and i cant even sit shiva for them...

thats it... i just wanted to say that...