I'm tired...

I'm tired of people just assuming things about me
I'm tired of pple telling me to stop having my statuses be about xf (if u dont like them dont read them)
I'm tired of pple telling me that im clogging up their newsfeed with xf stuff.... (so block me from yours news feed!)
I'm tired of people telling me that I won't find a guy who has my views on religion... and on politics
I'm tired of arguing
I'm tired of closed minded people
I'm tired of living on the wrong side of the atlantic
I'm tired
I'm tired of going to sleep alone
I'm tired of trying to be someone
I'm tired of not living a life full of what im passionate about
I'm tired of being bored
I'm tired of being lonely
I'm tired of not being surrounded by friends

I want to make the world a better place
I am passionate about certain things
I want to spend my days involved with at least one of them
I want to be happy
I want to go to sleep

confessions of an x-phile :)

ok so tonight i fell off the wagon so hard- right on my face- i then got up- jumped up and down- and then fainted... by the time i had stopped squeeing and screaming "omg omg omg" over and over again- the wagon had rolled down hill- it was so far i couldnt even see it anymore... but i was so high on x that at the moment i couldnt have cared less where the wagon was...

what made me jump off the wagon? what got me so high i couldnt think straight all night??



for 10 1/2 years i have been obsessed with one specific scene (ok ive been obsessed with 201 eps and a movie and the possibility of a second movie and then a second movie) but stick with me- one scene more than any other has been my obsession- my mantra- my favorite quote ever- it in my mind was always the scene to end all scenes- utter perfection on tv- or well in this case a movie...

but the thing is that as perfect as i thought it was- well the ending of the scene- its good but well i always hoped it ended differently- and so for 10 1/2 years each time i watched this favorite scene of mine i sat at the edge of my seat thinking- maybe this time- maybe this time it will be diff- maybe this time the bee wont sting her- maybe this time they'll kiss... and whats funny is that im happy the didnt kiss- it would have been too early for RST- we still needed the angst of season 6 to get us to the ship of season 7... but as a scene on its own- all i wanted was for the bee to go away- maybe it flew away in that fbi meeting- i dont know- i just wanted my favorite scene- the perfect scene- to be even more perfect (which cant happen b/c something that perfect cant be more perfect but then we ARE always striving for a more perfect union)...

and tonight- tonight that dream came true... after 10 1/2 years i watched my favorite scene- my favorite lines... my favorite moment... and the bee didnt sting... and they kissed- and not some crappy lit kiss like in the truth... and not some awkward first "does she want me to do this" kiss like in millenium (which i do actually love) and not a "hey look we have a baby" kiss or a "ur not really scully" kiss... but a woah omg thats the most romantic kiss i have ever seen- this is the stuff fic is made of and omg my dream just came true...

anyways so yes as a rebound phile (ill have to track down the wagon sometime after i buy the iwtb dvd next week) i would like to confess that ive been waiting for this for 10 1/2 years and it has surpassed every fantasy i have ever had of this scene...

i love u chris... i love u david... love u gillian... love u rob...

just wow..

let the sqiueeeing and omg-ing continue!!!!

confessions of an ex-phile

i gave up x-files about 2 weeks ago... and i've been watching west wing to fill the void...

this is what i wrote tonight:

i love west wing
its a great show
and it makes me smile
and its a good ensamble
but its like it's not right
like u know how u can go out with a guy
and he can be great on paper
good looking, smart, witty
he can make u smile
make u laugh a lot
u can enjoy spending time with him
and he's great
but he's not ur husband
and i mean u might not even know why
but he's just not ur match
thats how i feel about west wing
or maybe it is a great show and ive just had my heart broken with a bad divorce too recently
and im just not ready to jump in
like west wing is a rebound show
i dont know
but i miss my husband
i miss the one that gets inside of me
and doesnt just make me smile when i watch it
but can make me smile at odd hours of the day
just b/c i think if it
the one that keeps me up all night
the one i would keep on my ipod... as a background on my phone, on my computer
the one i'd read about
spend crazy money on
meet total strangers just b/c they also love him
i miss my perfect other
i miss touchstone... my constant
i owe him everything... and he owes me nothing


so im just asking like if u see me upset or in a bad mood and u dont know why... well i feel like a part of me was torn out... and u can call that pathetic but u wouldnt laugh at an addict going through rehab... or someone who just got a divorce or going through a bad break up... there are these 2 people out there- and i dont care of technically they aren't real b/c to me they are more real then a whole lot of living breathing individuals walking this planet- and i just-i miss them- i miss them a lot- i feel like i just lost 2 people that i love and i cant even sit shiva for them...

thats it... i just wanted to say that...

Hashkafa

I hate the word hashkafa... i hate everything about the concept... why can't we all just follow Halacha and be Jewish... why do people have to label others- incl themselves and put each other into boxes and need to fit a mold... and why do people feel the need to tell you that you'll never find your husband if you can't fit into a box- and what if there is no box that describes who you are- what if you are just a compilation of a lifetime of experiences? What if your agree in theory with one hashkafa but feel more comfortable in another? What if you can't stomach everyone judging everyone else? What if you just want achdus for all of klal yisroel to get along and be happy and be able to daven together and eat by each other and listen and learn from each other's Torah... why does your future children's school care how you cover your hair or what kind of table cloth you use on shabbos or how thick your freaking stockings are?? why cant we all just follow halacha- last time i checked mishna brurah didnt saya anything about denim skirts or tichels or even tv- but then I DONT HAVE A COPY OF MISHNA BRURAH!!!

ok im done venting... oh except if u know of some guy who is looking for a girl who loves life and torah and doesnt judge others and isnt opposed to watching x-files then let me know...

The D Word...

I always thought that Hollywood couples had 0% chance of making it work and staying together- with the exception of one couple… I don’t know why I was so sure that they were different… maybe it was because I needed to believe- I needed to believe that people could change- that it was possible to be a womanizer and then to meet the right person and settle down and realize the error of one’s past and to do teshuva and to have a beautiful relationship and raise a happy healthy family… maybe it helped me believe that I could change- that I could do teshuva b/c if an actor could change than surely I could change… maybe I needed it to believe that it’s possible to become a new person…

And maybe that’s why the sex rehab hit home so hard… it was like oh wait maybe it’s not possible to change… maybe the man who has been inspiring me for about half my life didn’t make real changes- or maybe he tried and it’s a sign that it’s impossible to change and that everyone will eventually fall back into their old habits- that its not possible to overcome your own nature…

But then I remember what Rabbi Kelemen said- that that is true- if you don’t have Torah… without Torah you can’t really change… this is why someone who is an alcoholic will be an alcoholic for life- even if he hasn’t touched alcohol in 50 years- he still says “Hi I’m Ploni and I’m an alcoholic” but with Torah you really can change- we see that on Yom Kippur- Hashem promises us that if we make one tiny change the size of a pin than Hashem will open for us gates that wagons could pass through- Hashem will transform us- but the change has to be real- it means you can never go back to that act- ever- it means really changing.

It’s scary- I was so scared to take something on for Yom Kippur- b/c it has to be something that I can be sure that I will be able to never do again…but the change is real- you don’t hear about Baalei Tshuva going to support groups and proclaiming “hi I’m Shloimi and I’m assimilated” b/c he has changed- real change- he’s no longer the same person he was…

In other words if you want to be inspired by change- by someone truly changing it has to be someone who has truly changed ie someone who has Torah in their life… David couldn’t change- he could take a break from a bad habit- but he couldn’t truly change b/c he’s lacking the tools with which to do so…

And so apparently there is no exceptions to the rule- David and Tea are separated- the one couple that I thought was different- that I thought would make it- isn’t. But what I guess I have to realize is that it doesn’t mean that no one can make it- it just means that over half of marriages without Torah as their center end in divorce… it just means knowing which relationships to hold up as ideals… and it means being thankful for having Hashem’s guidelines for a healthy relationship in my life…

and basically as long as M&S don’t ever break up then I think I could manage…

R' Kelemen thought on Rosh Hashana

(posting an email i sent out to a bunch of people- I can't believe it's almost eruv R'H!!!!)

Hey all,

I was looking over some RH notes from classes at Neve and wanted to share a short idea I heard from R' Kelemen a few years ago... (all errors are mine- all Torah/inspiration gained from this is because of R' Kelemen)

Rabbi Kelemen was telling over the story that when Reb' Kelemen had their 2nd child- Racheli- that she was very sick in bed because of a lot of emergenices associated with the birth. Racheli was born on the 22nd of Elul and so R'Kelemen went to Rav Scheinberg to ask what Reb' Kelemen should do about fasting on Yom Kippur. Rav Scheinberg said that she should fast but that in order for her to do so she would have to stay in bed all on Yom Kippur and that R'Kelemen should stay home to take care of their oldest child, Moshe- who was probably about 1 or 2 at the time. R' Kelemen argued that he needed to go to shul but Rav Scheinberg said no you need to stay home with Moshe and so R'Kelemen put on his kittle YK morning and got down on the floor to play with Moshe. A few minutes after he had taken out the leggos there was a knock on the door and 3 women in their mid 20s were standing there and said- weve come to play with your son- you have a chiyuv (obligation) to go to shul and we dont so we'll play with Moshe and take care of your wife and daughter and you go to shul. (He laughed that he had no idea who these 3 women were and was like where are you from and there were like Neve and he was like what's Neve?? but told his wife that she and the children were in good hands and left for shul)

Rabbi Kelemen explained that the goal of RH is to crown Hashem King- to realize that You Hashem are the King and I will do whatever it is that You want. Sometimes the King might tell you to daven at shul and sometimes the King might tell you to sit and play with your son. If the King comes to you and asks you to fill up buckets of sand in San Diego on Rosh Hashana then you can't tell the King- but I'm busy listenting to the trumpets at Your coronation. If the King asks you to do something-then do it- that's the whole point of His being King. A few friends and I were discussing this last night over shabbos dinner- how it's easy sometimes to look at all the chesed certain people do- they make shabbos kallahs, and vorts, and have loads of guests etc etc but often times it's even a larger chesed for the mother of the family to say no b/c she has a child at home that needs her time (or for the single woman to say no because she has to keep her own sanity so she can go on a date later that day)- this woman won't get the same recognition and yet she's also taking care of someone who needs her help. Sometimes Hashem doesn't want us to do what we think of as the "frum" thing to do- whether it's to open our home to others or to be at shul on YK- sometimes He wants us to stay at home and take care of a child. Obviously both are important- we just have to make sure that whatever it is that we're doing that it's what Hashem wants from us at that point in time.

R' Kelemen told over the story of how one year R'Yisroel Salanter was asked to lead Kol Nidrei. One woman in the town wanted to hear him so badly that she left her child at home unattended. As R' Yisroel Salanter was walking to shul he heard the baby crying. R Yisroel Salanter went into the home and upon finding the baby left unattended stayed with the baby. Time went by and the shul realized that the Rav wasn't coming and so someone else led Kol Nidrei. When the woman returned home she found that R Yisroel Salanter had missed Kol Nidrei to stay and comfort her child.


Sprituality isn't about feeling good- it's about doing what Hashem wants- even if sometimes it appears that what He wants from you isn't the most spiritual act. R' Kelemen ended by saying over in the name of R' Shlomo Zalaman Auerbach "this year on Rosh Hashana when I crown Hashem King over the entire universe, I have to make sure to crown Him King over me as well"

I just want to end by giving everyone a bracha that they should have a year in which they crown Hashem King over themselves, that they have a year in which they strive to do what Hashem truly wants from them, and that in turn they have a year in which they come closer to Hashem.

shana tova u'mesuka (it's always a good year- but it should also be a sweet year!)

Kabat

Atlanta is for slow people....

so I was in Atlanta this past weekend for Erica and Jordan's wedding...


which i have to say first off was one of the niccest weddings i have been to and that Erica and Jordan just looked so in love and so happy the entire time that it was just contagious and led to such an amazing amount of simcha all around...

other than that though i had always thought that i would really like atlanta b/c its warm and it's out of town... but i realized something this weekend... Atlanta is really southern... people drive slow, they talk slow... they just are slow... and since one of my biggest pet peeves in life is slow walkers (dont u hate when ur running in midtown for a train/bus or to get to work and there's some moron walking 1 mile an hr in front of u) im not sure at all why i thought i would like atlanta... and everyone is just so friendly which again i thought i might appreciate but apparently 6 years in NY and 2 in Israel made me a less than friendly person- i just thought it was downright weird that strangers were saying hi to me and asking me about where i was from (oh and saying "the city" so doesnt fly down there)....

so thats my take on the south... not enough kosher places to eat... and people are just too friendly (isn't there a seinfeld ep about that?) and too slow...

but i do have to say that dunwoody was so nice and i had a really great time at the shabbos kallah and overall had a great weekend...

more later...

out.....

Shaare Zedek Cruise Sept 13th!!!

I've been at my job now just over a week... I am loving it! First off i actually feel needed which is always a really nice feeling and not one that I often had at Aish... Right now the main thing that I am working on is our annual dinner which is Dec 3rd! The dinner which is going to be at Pier 60 at Chelsea Piers will be celebrating Israel's 60th birthday and will be raising money for the new Children's Hospital at SZ...

This Saturday night is another fun event- the Shaare Zedek Children's Champion Cruise Event. This event is also raising money for the Children's Hospital and specifically has a goal of dedicating a PICU Bed Unit. Whats great about this event is that it's a young professionals event and so is only open to those in their 20s and 30s... so.... ARE YOU IN NY AND IN YOUR 20s AND 30s????




There's also a raffle:

1- A Round Trip for 2 for a weekend away at the Omni Orlando Resort at Champions Gate as well as

2- A Weekend away at the Heritage Southbury Spa Hotel in Conn.

3- Sports Ticket Package- Great Tickets Football, Hockey and Baseball

4- 14K White Gold Diamond Pendant with 14K White Gold chain- (60pts of diamonds)

for more info on the event or to by raffle tickets click here

other than that life is pretty much the same- work... shiur/chavrusa/gym/hanging out with friends etc... This weekend is Erica and Jordan's wedding which is super exciting- I'm really excited to go to Atlanta for the weekend... anyone know of anything to do there on friday or on saturday night....

have a good one... and come to the cruise!!!

Life...

so I started my new job yesterday- i'm working at american committee for shaare zedek... yesterday was somewhat of a slow day- setting up my computer and getting organized/getting a feel for the office...

today was a bit crazier- before i even came in i had emails with stuff to do and i just kind of took off running- other then lunch the work didnt stop or slow down at all... there's a huge dinner event on Dec 3rd and so everyone is very focused on getting everything prepared for that. I'm gonna be spending a lot of my time working on sending out a lot of letters to people about the event.

the main focus for raising money right now is the new pediatrics ward of the hospital- it's such an amazing cause- (read- give to the shaare zedek children's hospital- don't forget it's Elul- a great time for tzedaka)

Everyone in the office seems really nice and it seems like a great work environment so i'm really excited to see what the months and years ahead hold for me there.

and on that note it's way too late for me to be up and i am exhausted...

night...

Create your year one minute of Elul at a time...

hey guys,

Rosh Chodesh Elul is over but I just wanted to give over an idea that I heard from Rabbi Kelemen...

Rav Yerucham zt'l has an entire essay on the importance of beginnings and introductions. (which i think i briefly mentioned in a previous blog post)

Rabbi Kelemen always begins this idea with a moshul- 2 years before a product hits the shelves IBM has already completed every piece of research possibly- they know exactly what the public will need, how to package it and market it, how many will sell etc... once the product hits the market it is too late for them to try "really hard"- they already needed to have done their homework. It is the same for a student who has a math test. If the student studies really really hard in the months leading up to the test so that the student could do the math problems in his head then when he walks into the test what he does is a product of all of his studying- he will do well. If he hasn't studied at all then he can't just try really hard- he needed prepare and so he won't do well. What happens when the product hits the market or when the student walks into the test is determined not at that moment but before the event takes place.

On Rosh Hashana we are judged as to what will be in our upcoming year. Money, health, livelihood, family etc- it is all determined in a split moment on RH. RH is the test- but we can't just walk in without preparing anymore then a student could expect to pass a test without preparation.

This is what the 30 days of Elul are for. From Rosh Chodesh Elul until the start of RH there is a special siyata d'shmaya in the world- if we try to succeed Hashem will help us. The treasury is open and we can grab whatever we want but we have to run for 30 days- it's 30 days of hard work but in the end we can walk away with whatever we have run with.

R'Wolbe z'l explained that if someone does something consistently from RC Elul until RH even if it is very very hard for him then that thing will become natural to him by the next RH. If you want to work on something- something small- something that is feasible to truly do consistently for 30 days then that thing will be given as a gift from Hashem before the next RH.

But what if you do it 29 days and not 30? The special siyata d'shmaya won't be there but you have just created an amazing year for yourself. Why? Your Elul directly correlates to your RH. Every day in Elul is a little bit more than an hour of your RH- what do you do with your time in Elul? This is creating your RH. But more... your RH is determining you year and so in reality your Elul creates you year- each minute of Elul is 12 minutes of your coming year. Are your selfless or selfish in this moment- are you speaking lashon hara or doing chesed? how are you using each of your minutes in elul? This will determine the minutes and days of your years...

If you are hoping to have a year in which you strive closer to your Beloved then make sure to spend Elul as a giver, a lover, someone striving to come closer to the Other...

make every minute count- you are creating your year one minute of Elul at a time....

Day 2 of Duchovny watch

for those of you who have been worried about me i just wanted to let you know that i am doing better today... i'm focusing more on Tea and the kids and less on my feelings for the man....

it's hard to see a role model fall off the pedestal you've put him on... but then i knew that this was one pedestal he probably didn't belong on.... the rumors were all there before he got married... i guess he wanted to believe that marriage could fix his problem... and maybe for a long time it did... i mean theyve been married for like 11 years....

it's just sad b/c they seem so happy... they seem so united... they're always mentioning each other in interviews and they just seem so playful and on the same track and just cut from the same fabric... and i guess u know u think u really know someone and u love their relationship but obviously u dont know whats going on behind closed doors...

and who knows- maybe they are still united... maybe Tea just wants him to get help... i guess only time will tell... or maybe it wont... i cant even think right now... ok maybe i'm not doing 100% better....

it's just also sad to me that this all has to be public b/c it has to be so beyond embarrassing for Tea and West and Miller.... i won't be able to watch Trust The Man in the same way again...

and to everyone who is writing to me on FB/gmail or calling/texting please- if all u want to say is that i shouldnt be so emotional or i should keep things in perspective or otherwise delegitimize what i'm feeling right now then i really don't want to hear it... like i really don't want to hear it...

ok that's all... one question though- why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying it's male population???

did u even knew they had a place for sex addicts????

ok so basically i am beyond freaking out... see when you've spent a good portion of your teen years and then part of your adult life enamored by one man u can easily blow off crazy rumors as being made up... what do they know or they are just so over exaggerating the situation....

but when reuters reports something u can't very well ignore it... i mean u can scream "i dont want to believe" on the top of your lunges for the entire phile world to hear... but at the end of the day u have to sit down and face the Truth that is out there b/c "the truth may hurt but its all that matters" ~Scully, Deadalive...

so i'm sitting here crying- yes crying... partly for David and partly for Tea and partly for West and Miller... and partly for me... yes me.. b/c i'm mourning something tonight... the realization that yes no man is perfect- even one that in ur mind u've perfected over countless years... it's like the loss of innocence or something... i'm still trying to figure out what it is...

part of it is that i had this ideal of a perfect relationship and i held M&S up to that ideal... and i held David and Tea up to it... and it's gone for me now... and i just feel broken...

It's Almost ELUL!!!

it's almost elul guys... so i'm posting this article from aish.com by Rebbetzin Heller to get us in the mood of teshuva... hope u enjoy and that it leads to a very meaningful elul- the start* of a very meaningful year...

Three steps to genuine change


* yes i know that elul is technically the end of the year not the start... but Rabbi Kelemen speaks of the importance of beginnings and how everything is created within the beginning- it's all there- thats why beginnings are so hard b/c when you start something u are actually doing the entire thing in the beginning- the whole things comes from that beginning- so it's really important to have a really good beginning (ie a really good RH, aseres yemai tshuva, YK, and tishrei in general b/c ur whole yr comes from that)- and how do u do that? by preparing for the beginning- the preparation for the beginning of the year is elul and so it's really important to have a good elul so u have a good year... your Elul determines how good your RH will be which determines how good your year will be... so in a way your elul is the beginning of your yr... so make it a good one!

most exciting thing of the summer

so i realized in my last post that i said that xf2 coming out was the most exciting event of the summer... but then it occurred to me that oh yeah 2 of my closest friends got engaged this summer... and really at least one of those 2 events should rank up there and be the most exciting event of the summer of 2008....

first Henny got engaged to Rabbi Sam Shore in the Old City

and then a few days later Maya got engaged to Yaakov Yehuda!


less than a week after Henny got engaged she came back to NY with Sam... on the Sunday after shabbos Nachamu they had a l'chayim in Boro Park...


and here's a picture of me and the kallah...


so in conclusion... while i have been waiting for 6 years to be reunited with Mulder and Scully... if I don't say that Maya or Henny getting engaged was the most exciting event of the summer I will possibly lose one or two of my closest friends.... my constants... my touchstones... and i can't very well have that happen....

must pt out that back in March Henny asked me what I would do if she got married the night that xf2 came out- of course she wasn't dating anyone at the time... her l'chayim in NY was the same weekend i was flying to FL to see IWTB with Lara... i still made it home, saw the movie and flew back on sunday in time for the l'chayim... Hashem can make everyone happy :D

out.....

new stuff in my life...

so to update all those choosing to read this...

1. about 3 weeks ago i moved... Megan and I moved to Passaic... we're living with Raizel- our new roommate who is awesome... we are all loving the new apt... will hopefully add pictures at some pt soon...

2. next tuesday- sept 2nd i start a new job working for american friends of shaarei tzedek... will update u all as to how that goes after it happens

3. not much else is new in my life... it's been over a month since xf2 came out which was the highlight of my summer... the month leading up to it was all about me posing for pics with every xf ad in nyc.....

followed by the awesome ny phile meet up for the midnight showing...

the past month has been spent seeing the movie- and even flying to florida to see it with Lara... and keeping up with the IC... (all of the love... all of the shipshi...)

i can't believe the summer is almost over... but I'm excited for my new apt...my new job... and for iwtb to come out on DVD...

g'night all....

Kabat Loves You All

Blog #1... Kabat loves you all...

ok guys so apparently I'm writing a blog although i really know nothing about blogging.. in fact the only things that come to mind when i think of blogs are big light, Nailed It, and that I probably won't go down in history... (oh and why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population?)

which makes me think (yes i can think- this is train of thought though so go with it) about what it means to really go down in history and if that's really a great thing... Michael Jordan will go down in history... but then does anyone remember the number one diskette thrower in Greece from whatever time period they threw disks in Greece... but then i guess like presidents and other world leaders go down in history (like George washington!) and they actually do make a difference in the world- but then Hitler y'mach shemo is included in that list....

so i'm just thinking here that i dont really care about going down in history... more important i think is to make a real impact on the future... to affect someone's life- for someone to have a better life because you exist- because thats why were here... each of us- a one time creation... a one time existence... here to make some unique impact in the planet... by affecting the lives of others- by creating ourselves into givers and lovers... by becoming more G-dly....

and on that note... it is almost 1am and so i must be getting to bed- too tired to continue this thought process... will possibly continue it another time....