black and white...

Rabbi Wallerstein tells the story of a young boy in 8^th grade who he calls Chaim. Chaim came from a non religious home but went to a religious school. In 8^th grade he became very close to his rebbe and began growing in yiddishkeit. His first Rosh Hashana experience was at his rebbe’s home and he loved it. But at the end of 8^th grade, despite his rebbe’s pleading him to go on to a religious high school, his parents had had enough of paying for Jewish school and decided to send him to public school. His rebbe told them he could get Chaim in for free but his parents wouldn’t let him.

Chaim was also a very gifted basketball player. Already in middle school he stood out- and now in public high school he was at the top of his game. All of the colleges heard that there was this really great ball player in Brooklyn. It was now his senior year in high school and all the scouts from all the schools with the major basketball teams had heard of him and he’s already thinking about skipping college and going straight to the NBA.

This whole time he was still in touch with his 8^th grade rebbe. He wasn’t religious but he would still go every year on Rosh Hashana to his rebbe’s home. His senior year he called his rebbe to apologize and to explain that he wouldn’t be able to make it this year for Rosh Hashana- the championship game was that day and all the college scouts and the NBA scouts were going to be at that game. His rebbe begged him to at least please come to hear shofar being blown at 1pm before his 3pm game but Chaim said he couldn’t and tried to explain to his rebbe about warming up and talking to the press and the scouts. His rebbe begged him- theres a break b/w shachris and mussaf and I just want to bentch you- please come. Chaim agreed and on RH he biked up to his rebbe’s home wearing his gym clothes and sneakers.

The Rebbe notices Chaim’s nervousness and asked him if he was ok. Chaim tried to explain- Rebbbe you don’t understand- this is it- this is everything- I have to be the best today- theyre all gonna be there and I’m not gonna forget you- I’m gonna make you so proud of me and I’m gonna get you tickets when im playing in Madison Square Garden. This is the most important day of my life so far- they’re all gonna be judging me. I haven’t slept in days- all I’ve been doing is practicing!

The rebbe says offers to get Chaim a drink and says when he comes back with it he’ll give him a bracha. He goes into the kitchen- Chaim is waiting and waiting and finally the rebbe comes back and gives Chaim the bracha- “you should be g’bentched. Hashem should give you a good year”. Chaim says thanks and tells the rebbe he’ll see him in a few years in the Garden. The rebbe sadly said goodbye.

Chaim left on his bike and all of a sudden BOOM! He goes flying off his bike- hits the ground- he starts telling himself- im ok nothing happened- ill be ok I have to go to the game… and starts thinking that it must have been that someone from the opposition team hit him so he wouldn’t be able to play. All of a sudden the woman from the car jumps out and is over him and shes screaming “oh my G-d.. I never saw so much blood. I’ve never seen anything like this before” and she faints… Everyone is getting out of their cars “oh my G-d. He’s not gonna make it” and Chaim is thinking- “what do you mean I wont make it I have a few hours till the game I just have to get up and go” An ambulance comes flying in and he hears ones of the medics saying “this is a waste of time but this is what we get paid for so ok”. They get Chaim on a stretcher and he’s screaming “get me off this stretcher I have to go play my game. I’m the man! Im gonna be a knick one day I have to get out of here!!” theyre ignoring him and he’s screaming “how much did they pay you? How much did they have to pay to get the truck and make it look like an ambulance?” They get him to the hospital and rush him into surgery and Chaim is still screaming “why are you ignoring me?? This is crazy! What is this? The other team hired all of you just so I wouldn’t play?!?! This is crazy!!! Let me out of here!! I must be really good if they hired a whole hospital staff just so I wouldn’t play” and then he heard a nurse say “I’m sorry. It’s over”

They cover him up- little chaim at the top of his game ready to be a pro and hes covered by a white sheet. A few minutes later in walks his parents- “finally” he thinks “the other team definitely couldn’t pay off my parents- they’ll get me out of here” He hears his parents screaming “my Kenny” (his English name) “oh my G-d I cant believe it. My Kenny” His parents are sobbing “he’s so young” and Chaim can’t believe it “mom what are you doing- they didn’t pay you too” He begins to suspect that something is really wrong. They wheel him downstairs and put him in a fridge. He begins screaming at the top of his lungs and gets no reaction. “This is crazy! I put up with the ambulance and the hospital and even my parents went along but it’s cold in here so get me out!!!”

All of a sudden theres a bright light and he’s no longer in the fridge. He’s standing in a room and he sees theres a table with 3 people sitting there with talleisim over their heads. All of a sudden a huge angel comes walking out and says “Chaim do you know where you are?” “No” “Chaim, you’re in shamayim” “What am I doing in shamayaim!!” “What are you talking about? It’s Rosh Hashana and you were hit by a car and killed” “but I’m so young. How could this happen” And the malach says “don’t worry. I’m the malach Michael. I’m going to take care of you. I’m your defense attorney. Don’t worry.” So Chaim asks “what happens now?” And Michael explains that they’re going to judge you and if the good side wins you go to Gan Eden and if the bad side wins you go to Gehenom” Chaim starts screaming “whats gan eden? Whats gehenom?”

At that moment the most disgusting, meanest thing that you can ever imagine comes walking out. “Hey whats up Chaim. Recognize me? I’m the yetzer hara! I’m the satan! How you doing?” “I don’t know you” “ohhh you know me very well”

Theres a knock at the table and one of the men scream out “Judgment” A huge scare is wheeled out- the kids with 2 sides and Michael explains to Chaim “they take all of your good deeds and put them on one side and all of your bad deeds and put them on the other side. If the good side ways more you go to Gan Eden and if the bad side wins you go to Gehenom. But don’t worry Chaim. You’re a good boy!” The satan walks over to him and starts laughing “you’re mine! I’ve owned you since you were a little kid. Come, let me show you where you’re going!” The yetzer hara opens a window and shows Chaim people writhing in pain- undergoing the most intense torture. And they’re all screaming “one more chance! Give me one more chance on Earth and I’ll do better!! Send me back to the world and I’ll do teshuva” Chaim sees this and starts screaming that he doesn’t want to go there and starts screaming “Hashem please I don’t want to go there please help me!!” And the satan laughs “everyone starts talking to Hashem when they get here! You should’ve spoken to Hashem when you were down there”

Michael then takes Chaim to a different window. He shows him all of the tzadikim sitting and learning. They aren’t worried about the stock market, the latest tv shows, or even the NBA- it’s just them, a gemara and G-d. They were free from blackberries, ipods- everything- they were unplugged- out of the world- just the tzaddikim and G-d. He saw how happy and peaceful they all were and he started begging “Michael please help me!!”

The angel called out ok all the melachim come out and get on the scale. Each angel was according to each mitzvah- so if you put on tefillin but you don’t think about what it is that you’re putting on then you create an angel without a head. The size of the mitzvah is the size and shape of the angel. He had some great big white sumo angels- giants- they get on the scale- all the times he helped his parents, all the times he put on tefillin, all the times in 8^th grade that he kept shabbos by his rebbe, all the times he listened to shofar, all the times he kissed the mezuzah! 100s and 1000s of angels in all kinds of sizes got on the scale.

Then it was the satan’s turn. “Is that all you’ve got!! You are beat!! All the aveiros get on the other scale!” And huge gigantic black angels came walking out- mechalel shabbos, non kosher food, clubbing- and the better time you had doing the aveira the bigger the angel- time with girls and loshon hara… and Chaim is crying “nooo I don’t want to go there- I don’t want to get tortured! Noooo” and the satan is jeering at him “Nu? Who’s winning now!?!? You’re mine little boy! You’re mine!” and Chaim is crying “Michael help me!!” the satan turns to the rabbis- “look rabbis I have him beat 100 to 1 he goes to gehenom now!” Michael stops him though- “wait! It says that a person who has the right kevana- who wants to do a mitzvah but for whatever reason he cant it’s as if he did the mitzvah. Chaim’s parents weren’t frum but he wanted to do good” Michael called down the hall “all the melachim that are Chaim’s good thoughts come on down” Huge white angels come out and get on the scale. In the end it’s exactly even.

The satan turns to the rabbis” so nu? It’s even- 6 months in heaven and 6 months with me in hell” The rabbis are thinking- this doesn’t happen very often- they turn to each of them- do you have anything else to add- but neither of them do. All of a sudden there’s a scream in the beis din- “wait one minute! There’s an angel coming down the hall!” Everyone is straining to see what color the angel is- is it black or white!! This is eternity- it’s not like get out of jail in a few years- this is forever! Chaim starts screaming “Michael what is it?? Is it white or black?!?!” and Michael is trying to see but he can’t. And the Satan is laughing “I know what its. It’s a black angel. You’re mine! I’m taking you to the deepest darkest part of Gehenom. It’s over little Chaim”. And Chaim is crying “Hashem please help me” and the satan and the all the black angels are chanting “Black” and Michael and the white angels are chanting “white” and the whole place is in an uproar. And then it walks out- and everyone stops and they look at him- he’s half white and half black!

The satan says “ you know who that is?” and Chaim says “no. I don’t know what that is” and Michael begins muttering “oh no this is not good. We’re in very big trouble” and satan is laughing “I know who it is. He’s mine. You’re done youre finished.” The rabbis on the beis din tell Chaim “go and walk up to angel and ask him who he is” So Chaim goes over to him and explains “look if you’re all white I get to go to gan eden and be happy forever and if you’re all black I belong to that guy and that’s not good so can you please be white for me?” and the angel says “I don’t have that choice. It was your choice. I don’t have that choice.” And Chaim is sobbing “what choice??” and the satan is nudging him on “c’mon angel tell him who you are!!” The angel turns to Chaim and tells him “I am the angel of the blowing of the shofar on Rosh Hashana” and Chaim cant believe “oh my G-d, my rebbe asked me to stay for an extra few minutes. He wanted me to hear shofar. It would have saved me. That one mitzvah could have saved me for eternity. I can’t believe it. It’s a black malach. I got on my bike and I left. I didn’t hear shofar” and the satan begins screaming “you should have listened to your Rebbe. You’re mine! It’s over!” and he digs his claws into chaim’s back and begins pulling him and chaim screams “nooooooooo”

And his Rebbe asks him “Chaim why are you screaming so out of control?” And Chaim can’t believe it “Rebbe! Oh My G-d! Rebbe!!” and the Rebbe starts telling him “I went into the kitchen to get you a drink and you put your head down and I came back in and you were saying things in your sleep and then you started screaming and woke up. You have to get going or you’re going to be late for your game!” Chaim can’t believe it- cant believe that his rebbe would be telling him to go to the basket ball game! “Game? What? I don’t want to go to a game? It’s Rosh Hashana! I have to hear shofar!! Reebbe- why are you telling me to go to a basketball game!?!? I can’t believe you’re my rebbe and you’re telling me to go to the game!” and the rebbe is looking at Chaim like he’s crazy- he’s sitting there with shorts and a jersey and sneakers. He’s ready to play the most important basketball game of his career thus far- with the college and NBA scouts and he only wants to hear shofar?? The Rebbe asks him “I don’t understand whats going on.” So Chaim explains “Rebbe I was on my bike and there was a car and surgery and a cold refrigerator and this big black malach and a big white malach and a little malach that was half white and half black” and his rebbe interrupts him “Chaim- stop smoking that stuff! Especially on Rosh Hashana!” and Chaim just starts crying and tells his rebbe he has to wait for him- that he’ll be back in a half hour- that he needs to change his clothing- and that he cant start the minyan without him.

Rav Wallerstein went to a camp growing up that was very into basketball and used to play the other camps. The camp put a lot of emphasis on winning the basketball games so they used to hire rebbes for seder that knew how to play basketball. Chaim was Rav Wallerstein’s rebbe at camp. Chaim told Rav Wallerstein the story when he was 12 years old. Rav Wallerstein said that he wasn’t so into learning at that point in his life and Chaim told him “Wallerstein, every word could be the word that changes the scale in your favor”

This is exactly what happens to each of us on Rosh Hashana. We each have a scale. On one side they put the white melachim and on the other side the black melachim and whichever side is heavier will determine what your year is going to be like. And it can be one teeny weeny malach that could go on the white side and give you the best year and one teeny weeny black malach that could chas v’shalom give you a terrible year. We all have the choice. We are in this world- we have another chance- they don’t in the next world- but we do! How many white melachim can we gain in the next week and a half until Rosh Hashana so that we get a good judgment?

Rav Wallerstein ended by saying that he has a minhag in his home- with the apple and honey and the fish head- he also has black and white cookies. When his students would ask him why he has the black and white cookies as a siman he would tell this story.

I just want to end by asking Hashem that He should give each of us and all of Klal Yisroel a bracha- that our white angels out number our black angels and that we are each written in the book of life.

Kesiva v’chasima,

Kabat

the future of america

random thoughts... maybe once im done something will make sense to me

if someone cant afford a lawyer then the court will assign them one- b/c it's crucial that we have a justice system that works... if you can afford a lawyer then you can pay for Johnnie Cochran and get away with murder- and thats not fair but at least if you cant afford him you still get someone... and yes there are problems with DAs being overworked or underpaid and other issues... but there are a whole lot of criminal attorneys out there-they arent put out of business b/c of higher priced lawyers

every child in america gets to go to school- where you live and your property taxes will play a role in how good the schools are- but every child gets to go to school- we all have a right to an education- it's essential to our nation... and if you can afford private school or to move to an area with a better school district- than good for you... and yes theres major problems with public school education- we need it to be looked at- we need to work harder at providing a more equal education- ensuring that students have text books and other school supplies... there are problems- but at the end of the day each child gets to go to school... and the private schools are still doing fine

we make sure that we have a justice system and an education system- shouldn't ensuring that everyone can you know actually live- shouldnt that be ensured... yes we have private insurance companies and yes we have a system of capitalism- but it works with schools and lawyers- why couldnt we have a public option- if you could afford private health care then you can keep paying for it- if you cant afford it then you have an option

and people complain that they shouldn't have to pay for other's doctors' bills... except that we are now- it's billed into our costs... and one could argue that i should have to pay for other's public school education or even better- their lawyers- hello- a guys kills someone and i help to pay for his lawyer... but it's not about the lawyer or the kid... it's about america- it's about having a fair justice system- it's about the next generation- if we dont pay for public school education then who is going to lead the enxt generation- who is going to ensure that america has a future as a world leader... who will make the scientific break throughs and foster world peace? if you dont care about the kid who is attending the public school- then at least care about your child and know that he'll be living in a better world b/c you helped pay for his peers to have an education... know that yeah maybe that guy did kill someone but what about the guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time- and didn't do anything wrong... we protect him b/c if we didnt then who is going to protect someone from throwing you in jail- who will protect our rights as individuals??

but what about the cracked out mom of 3 who cant take care of anyone- why should i pay her health insurance? ok good question.. i dont know- but maybe if she got help- and rehab- who knows who she could be... maybe the drug addict will become a screenwriter and inspire someone to fight for good... maybe b/c he got help he'll inspire others to... or maybe the mom will get help and be able to raise her kids on her own... or maybe she wont get help... maybe it's unfortunate...

but what if we didnt focus on her... what if we focused on the family who lives in middle america- where the father just lost his job that he had for 8 years b/c the factory closed... and now he doesnt have insurance... and their middle daughter suffers from CP... and the medicine is way too expensive- espeically now that he lost his job- and he wasn't trained in any of the up and coming fields- so they move to a different small town and he gets a new job and he even gets a new insurance- but theyve spent any money they had saved up on the move and on the medicine in the interum and now theyre in credit card debt just to put basic food on the table and the new insurance wont cover the daughter's medicine b/c its pre-existing...

they didnt do anything wrong... they follwed the american rule book... worked hard, saved what they could... and overnight b/c of the economy, b.c the plant closed, it all got turned upside down... they need insurance... and yeah you can ask ok but i have a job and i have insurance so why should i care... it doesnt even have to be about caring- it could just be- what do we want for the future of america- how can america crawl out of a recession if people dont have basic necessities?? if that family cant provide food then they're gonna end up on social security anyways so we'll end up paying- but even foregoing that- how are they gonna send their kids to college? it's the future of america...

i dont understand a lot... i dont get why a public option would lead to long wait times... i dont get how explaining to someone their end of life options could turn into a death panal and i dont get why private insurance companies would necessarily go out of business... but i do get that america needs this... that millions of americans dont have health care and so either dont get the care they need or pay for it at the expense of everything else... i can see that if we dont do this now that our children will suffer for it- not just the children growing up without healthcare- all of our children... we're one country- united- and we need to make sure that we're all strong for america to be strong... that we're all free for america to be free and that we're all as healthy as possible for america to be as healthy as possible....

looking back on London

A month ago i got on a plane and flew to London... not so out of the ordinary- i'm sure thousands of people do that every day... except i went to spend a week with friends who i met online... i'm sure that these days thats not even that uncommon... but I'm also frum... and within the frum world people dont just meet others online (hell in some communities they cant even go online) and then fly across the atlantic to spend a week with them...

and yeah lots of people were worried about me and lots of people thought i was crazy... some tried to seem more nonchhalant about it- they said things like "oh wow you're going on a real adventure" as if that made it less obvious that they thought what i was doing was crazy...

but to me it was so normal... i have these amazing friends... these friends who i can talk to and who are there for me... who give me advice and pray with me... who comfort me when i'm upset and jump up and down and squee with me when i'm excited... and these are the friends who i went to visit... i wasnt going to stay with strangers... i was staying with friends who made sure along the way that i always had kosher food to eat- even though for most of them i was the first frum person they had ever met... i was staying with friends who know me inside and out... who have learned about Judaism b/c it's imp to me...

i got to spend a week having fun... and not once did they tell me they thought i was in a cult or that i was crazy b/c i couldnt eat what they eat and didnt dress how they dressed and they dont think im crazy for not cursing or b/c i couldnt go to see the show with all of them saturday night... they dont think i'm crazy... and then i come home... and pple have multiple times refered to the fact that the IC sounds like a cult... people have made comments about the fact that i spent a week with non Jews in a foreign country...

why do i feel sometimes that i fit more in with the philes than with my own people?

i miss them... i miss being able to quote xf and having others get it and having a week where i could talk and quote and mention and no one would give me that face- that "omg are u gonna talk about xf again" face... but mostly i miss them b/c theyre amazing friends... theyre fun and caring and accepting and non judgemental... we get each other...

in my world i dont feel like most pple get me... but then how can someone get me?? but why is what i believe so contradictory? Since when is being an idealist and a frum Jew mutually exclusive? When did Hashem say that being a phile is assur?? He didn't...

being frum isnt easy... it's advanced citizenship... you've got to want it bad, because it's going to put up a fight. It's gonna say, "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil who is standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the 'land of the free'? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the 'land of the free.'" (I love Sorkin)

being frum isn't easy... it's complex... it's taking morals and values you've held ddear you're whole life and throwing them out b/c they contradict the Torah... b/c they arent emes... it's standing up and going against what you might have spent your life fighting for... it's feeling one thing and intellectually knowing another... it's hard... you have to fight for it... but thats what you get paid for...

getting out of bed...

this morning i woke up and debtaed getting out of bed... i have my period and just felt like staying in bed.. i have some sick days i could use and it was pouring out- not fun weather to walk.and wait for the bus in... let alone walk to work in.. and the idea of going back to sleep and waking up and just watching west wing seemed nice...

but i did get up... and wait in a thunder storm... and i tried to be in a good mood... but then i just wasnt...

henny is on a plane right now thats gonna take off soon...theyre moving to Israel and i really am happy for her but i also feel like one of the pple i feel closest to is moving so far away and it makes me feel less understood- like her proximity made my world better... shes one of the pple i can talk to and who i feel unconditional love from and who can make me laugh and doesnt judge me... and it 2 days after megan left for israel so i just feel very alone right now...

and then theres this whole political thing bc obama spoke in cairo and the world is freaking out and maybe theyre all right but i believe what i believe and i am who i am and im just tired of being judged and feeling like no guy will get me and who i am and being told that by others and whatever

so i was in a bad mood and so thought maybe a sex on the beach would help and maybe it did except then i spoke to henny and that just made me cry and now im just rambling but its my blog and no one is keeping u here so whatevwr..

so i spend my time ignoring life and focusing on west wing fic and anderson cooper but its not getting me any closer to my goals but then i dont even know what those goals are or what direction i want my life to take...

yeah ok thats it.. i just got off the bus... back in passaic...

Allison Janney...

ok so basically here's what i managed to write in a moment of euphoria to some of my fellow philes who also love Allison... and their responses... oh and im adding in my new fave pic!!!



Hey guys,

First off I just wanted to thank you guys b/c its really nice to be excited about something but its so much better when others are excited with u and u can share that excitement with them… so I just wanted to thank u guys for squeeing with me yesterday!

As for last night… the show was amazing… Stephanie, Megan and of course Allison were all amazing… I’m really hoping to be able to see the show again… I had never seen the movie so I didn’t know anything about the plot at all so I was so excited that the theme was about feminism and women taking control and living in a man’s world…my kinda theme… it was also just great to see Allison playing a role in which a woman was struggling to be taken seriously in “the boy’s club”- it was just such a great comparison piece to CJ- who I think at the beginning in a lot of ways was also trying to prove herself- you know until she was able to leap frog right over the men into the CoS position :-)

There’s an amazing number in the 2nd act staring Allison- “One of the Boys” she’s amazing- I think I put a link to part of it on my profile… and theres a hilarious scene where the 3 women get high together… I was sitting there thinking to myself omg I so want to get high with Allison…

After the show I ran out of the theater as quickly as possibly not sure how many pple would be waiting and how quickly they would come out… the show ended at a bit after 10 or so… my friend who I was with kept reminding me that she had to wake up early for work the next morning and was only gonna hang out waiting for a few minutes… I somehow got her to wait with me till 10:45 but none of the stars had come out yet…

At this point a few guys from inside came out with a camera- the first group of pple lined up right near the stage door (there was one of those barricade things so we were all kinda waiting along side in) was a theater group from Alabama (I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone from Alabama and woah- the accents you hear on tv and in movies are real)- the camera men loved them and had them singing 9 to 5 together and talking to each of them about what they liked about the show and whatnot… they then went down the line- I got to talk about how empowering of a show I thought it was- not sure what else I said- I was rambling for a bit… the camera man said theyre talking to pple to use in ads and on youtube and stuff so who knows… as the camera man walked on I think the Alabama crew got restless so they started singing seasons of love- which- they were actually pretty good- but it was kinda random and I don’t think the camera guy was all that happy since it could have been ending up in the background of the video he was making for a diff musical… he walked back over to them and kinda just smiled and they got the hint and were like “oh wrong show” lol

Meanwhile I was holding my pic of Allison- the one with her sitting in a chair with a white top and navy pants and an open tie around her neck… (thank u Victoria for sending it to me!!!) the camera crew was saying how she’s one of the nicest actresses that they’ve ever worked with…

At about 11:20ish or so Stephanie came out which got a lot of screams… she stopped for a while to speak to the Alabama crowd… she signed my playbill and when she saw the pic I had of Allison she commented on how beautiful she is and I was like “she’s my hero” (ok so at this pt I was def just overly excited b/c while Allison is an amazing actress and played a major role model in my life for a lot of years- I know next to nothing about Allison and cant really call her a full blown hero but whatever) and Stephanie started saying how nice she is and how its so amazing to work with her…

About 15 or so minutes later Megan came out- this also got a lot of cheers- the Alabama crowd went crazy again- and she posed for pics with a lot of them- and again when she saw my pic of allison made a comment about how amazingly nice she is and how wonderful it is to work with her…

And finally at about 11:45 Allison came out… I think I might have screamed when she came out- its possible I jumped up and down and im kinda really happy that she was focused on the Alabama crowd and didn’t notice… the 10 yr old girl next to me noticed though and was laughing- she had been watching me for my response to seeing her after hearing me talk to like every other actor in the show about her… lol

She spent a lot of time with Alabama crowd- she took pics with each of them individually-signed whatever they handed her- spoke to them for a bit about acting and took a group pic with them… she was all smiley and apologized for taking so long to come out… she really was just so sweet…

I handed my playbill to the mother of the 10 yr old next to me so that I could have her sign both my playbill and my pic of her… when she walked up to me I was just like “hi” and handed her the pic and she smiled when she saw it and held it up to show others and kinda danced around with it and was like “wow I haven’t seen this old pic in a while… it always seems to pop back up again” while she was signing it I just kinda blurted out “I majored in political science because of you” this got her to look up and she just looked at me and said “that was the most amazing experience and its affected me so much and its so wonderful to hear that its affected you as well” and then I started rambling on again to the tune of “and you’re such a wonderful actress and I loved prop 8 the musical and juno and just thank you so much” (ok whats funny is that I just saw prop 8 last week and I saw juno a few weeks ago- and I didn’t mention hairspray or primary colors or the hours or finding nemo… but whatever) anyways she was totally not phased by my rambling and just had this huge smile on her face and said thank you… and then I asked if we could take a pic together and she said sure so she did this crouch thing (Caileigh if I wasn’t in a total haze I prob would have thought of you) and she handed me back my pic and sharpie and smiled at me again and then went on to the next person…

I walked away in a total haze and then I turned the corner on the street and realized I was standing in the exact spot where CJ kissed Donovan and I was just so overwhelmed as it all hit me and I just kinda started hyperventilating (thank G-d away from where anyone else could see me) and just kept walking to the bus and started almost crying and just freaking out (Caileigh- this is when I left u the rambling and most likely incoherent message)…

I basically freaked out the whole bus ride home… and then when I got off the bus I put on “I’m too sexy” in honor of CJ and basically since no one in Passaic is out at 1 in the morning danced my way home while singing- yeah im a major dork… lol

Anyways that was my night…

For those of you coming to NY to see the show- u don’t need to run to get to the stage door super fast- she seemed to be spending time with everyone so I don’t think it matters when u get there- and basically everyone was up front b/c pple didn’t want to wait that long to see her…so a lot of pple left before they came out… and be prepared to wait outside for a while…

And now back to my previously scheduled program known as work…

Kabs :-)

Cathy O'Donnell
April 14 at 10:09am
Reply
Aww wow, that sounds amazing! You had to wait a loooong time tho...I might rethink my plan to wear heels!!

I'm so glad you enjoyed the show as well...and the songs (written by Dolly!!)...it sounds awesome!

So did you have to climb over the barrier to have your pic with her?!

Rebecca Kabat
April 14 at 1:34pm
Cathy- i wouldnt suggest heals... i personally was wearing knee high CJ inspired black boots w a black skirt...

no climbing over barricades... the person taking the pic (the mother of the 10 yr old who also got my playbill signed for me) stood along side the barricade thing and then allison and i were on either side of it...

oh and i forgot in my run down of the night- when i got out there i was so excited that i un did the top of my sharpie marker- i wanted to be all ready- but by the time we waited so long and they came out it had dried up- thank G-d i realized the problem with Stephanie coming out... i was btw so proud of myself for not freaking out and just kinda looked around for someone standing close by who had a sharpie... there were 2 women next to me but she had a pink one which would have clashed with teh red in the pic but i think her friend saw my dilemma and pulled a black sharpie out of her backpack and said that they might not stay but that i could just have the sharpie...

so really big shout out to mother/daughter team next to me for the pic and extra autograph and to the 2 randoms who waited long enough for my sharpie to run out but not for Allison to come out...

Victoria Cartwright
April 14 at 4:51pm
Reply
woooohooooo!!!! great story kabs thank you for sharing!!

Caileigh Scott
April 15 at 5:48pm
Reply
Omg, that's soooooooooooooooooo amazing!! I have been watching S7 a lot lately, which is so CJ-centred, and it's just so wonderful that you got to meet her and thank her personally!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I am at work, but have more thoughts on your awesome night!!

Rebecca Kabat
April 16 at 10:29pm
it was seriously amazing... i couldnt stop talking about it these poast few days with the pple i was with- meanwhile one of my friends had the audacity to ask me if this met i was over gillian anderson- at which pt i was happy to be able to smile and reply "oh no for gillian im flying to london to see her in a play" lol!!

CJ is so awesome as CoS in seasons 6 and 7... so hard core... yay for strong independent womyn!!!

4 months later....

so lets see whats new with my life...

well for 1 in February i bought a treadmill which has seriously been like the best thing to ever happen to me.... im able to go running or walking a few times a week... it's majorly helped my entire overall attitude in life... getting the endorphins up and what not... but also the treadmill has speakers in it which makes listening to music or watching tv/movies really easy... so its led me to a habit of buying movies on amazon really cheap... but i tell myself its ok b/c watching a movie on the treadmill means im on there for about 2 hrs- which i only have time to do at most once a week anyways...

in other news ive finished watching west wing... im now watching the extras on the DVDs... the show inspires me so much which i think both excites me and frustrates me- excites me b/c i want to go out and change the world- but frustrates me b/c im not doing it... partly b/c im lazy- well no probably like 100% b/c im lazy... it's something ive known about myself for a while- i just dont like to do stuff- which is funny since i actually use the treadmill that i bought and b/c i was never too lazy to do school work- and ive never been too lazy to put effort into obsessions... but with most other things im pretty lazy- especially with cleaning my room- which could lead to a whole other tangent about how ive been trying harder to keep my room clean after paying a friend of mine $250 to spend about 11 hours cleaning it- actually she spent 11 hrs and i spent i think about 7 so it basically took us 18 man (or women as the case may be) hours to clean... but back to west wing- which really brings me to Allison Janney- who i met last week- i already typed up a whole thing though on fb that i sent to a few pple about meeting her so i think (out of laziness) that im just gonna copy and paste that into another blogpost... but anyways so Allison was in 9 to 5 the musical which i went to see and it's funny to me b/c it was kinda about women (or womyn if u will) power and stuff and Allison had this number called "one of the boys" and ive always found it interesting that many feminists really seem to come across as thinking that men really are the better gender and that they really just want to be like men- hence Allison's character singing about how she's one of the boys- but no!!!! why should she want to be one of the boys!!!! she should want to be one of the women!!!!! ive never gotten that... personally im all for equality for all- men, women whatever but that doesnt mean that were the same... yes i know that kinda sounds like separate but equal but really were not the same so why would a woman who really respects women want to be one of the men- why try to be the best man u could be when u could try to be the best woman u could be!!! now that to me is feminism....

and speaking of equality- Gov Patterson (b/c yes im still in denial that i live on the west side of the hudson)is introducing a same sex marriage bill... apparently according to the Times there isnt enough support in the senate for it to pass... i really dont know how any of this works (makes u wonder about a $160,000 BA in poli sci from an ivy league but thats another story...)but why is it that in Ohio they could have the state supreme court deem it unconstitutional and in NY it would have to become law via a bill being passed... oh wait maybe b/c in ohio it actually violates their state constitution but it doesnt in NY... anyways it makes me feel like the world might actually moving forward and closer to that whole equality for all goal that weve been trying to hit since founding our wonderful country on the premise of all men being created equal...

as for other things new in my life... tomorrow im meeting Emma Raff of IC fame which is overly exciting... on Wed im meeting Cathy O'Donnell of phile fame and in less than 2 months im going to London to meet the entire IC and to see GA in ADH!!!!!! and see a whole bunch of other fun philes from across the states who will be in the UK at that time!!! if u think i was all a squeeee to meet Allison- you aint seen nothing yet... i am so beyond super excited for London its not normal!!!!!!

also coming up in my life- in May im going to Disney with Erin and Jenn of phile fame for Philes do Disney- also joining us is Dee who is gonna learn more about xf than she ever wanted to know....

anyways so until tonight i really thought that my mom was the only one who read this- but apparently others read this as well... so i feel like i could sit now and pontificate about life for a while and about dating and hashkafa and politics and all the fun kinda stuff that is actually interesting and personal and whatever... but yeah im gonna skip that for now...

stay tuned for a riveting review of what its like to meet Allison Janney....

I'm tired...

I'm tired of people just assuming things about me
I'm tired of pple telling me to stop having my statuses be about xf (if u dont like them dont read them)
I'm tired of pple telling me that im clogging up their newsfeed with xf stuff.... (so block me from yours news feed!)
I'm tired of people telling me that I won't find a guy who has my views on religion... and on politics
I'm tired of arguing
I'm tired of closed minded people
I'm tired of living on the wrong side of the atlantic
I'm tired
I'm tired of going to sleep alone
I'm tired of trying to be someone
I'm tired of not living a life full of what im passionate about
I'm tired of being bored
I'm tired of being lonely
I'm tired of not being surrounded by friends

I want to make the world a better place
I am passionate about certain things
I want to spend my days involved with at least one of them
I want to be happy
I want to go to sleep

confessions of an x-phile :)

ok so tonight i fell off the wagon so hard- right on my face- i then got up- jumped up and down- and then fainted... by the time i had stopped squeeing and screaming "omg omg omg" over and over again- the wagon had rolled down hill- it was so far i couldnt even see it anymore... but i was so high on x that at the moment i couldnt have cared less where the wagon was...

what made me jump off the wagon? what got me so high i couldnt think straight all night??



for 10 1/2 years i have been obsessed with one specific scene (ok ive been obsessed with 201 eps and a movie and the possibility of a second movie and then a second movie) but stick with me- one scene more than any other has been my obsession- my mantra- my favorite quote ever- it in my mind was always the scene to end all scenes- utter perfection on tv- or well in this case a movie...

but the thing is that as perfect as i thought it was- well the ending of the scene- its good but well i always hoped it ended differently- and so for 10 1/2 years each time i watched this favorite scene of mine i sat at the edge of my seat thinking- maybe this time- maybe this time it will be diff- maybe this time the bee wont sting her- maybe this time they'll kiss... and whats funny is that im happy the didnt kiss- it would have been too early for RST- we still needed the angst of season 6 to get us to the ship of season 7... but as a scene on its own- all i wanted was for the bee to go away- maybe it flew away in that fbi meeting- i dont know- i just wanted my favorite scene- the perfect scene- to be even more perfect (which cant happen b/c something that perfect cant be more perfect but then we ARE always striving for a more perfect union)...

and tonight- tonight that dream came true... after 10 1/2 years i watched my favorite scene- my favorite lines... my favorite moment... and the bee didnt sting... and they kissed- and not some crappy lit kiss like in the truth... and not some awkward first "does she want me to do this" kiss like in millenium (which i do actually love) and not a "hey look we have a baby" kiss or a "ur not really scully" kiss... but a woah omg thats the most romantic kiss i have ever seen- this is the stuff fic is made of and omg my dream just came true...

anyways so yes as a rebound phile (ill have to track down the wagon sometime after i buy the iwtb dvd next week) i would like to confess that ive been waiting for this for 10 1/2 years and it has surpassed every fantasy i have ever had of this scene...

i love u chris... i love u david... love u gillian... love u rob...

just wow..

let the sqiueeeing and omg-ing continue!!!!

confessions of an ex-phile

i gave up x-files about 2 weeks ago... and i've been watching west wing to fill the void...

this is what i wrote tonight:

i love west wing
its a great show
and it makes me smile
and its a good ensamble
but its like it's not right
like u know how u can go out with a guy
and he can be great on paper
good looking, smart, witty
he can make u smile
make u laugh a lot
u can enjoy spending time with him
and he's great
but he's not ur husband
and i mean u might not even know why
but he's just not ur match
thats how i feel about west wing
or maybe it is a great show and ive just had my heart broken with a bad divorce too recently
and im just not ready to jump in
like west wing is a rebound show
i dont know
but i miss my husband
i miss the one that gets inside of me
and doesnt just make me smile when i watch it
but can make me smile at odd hours of the day
just b/c i think if it
the one that keeps me up all night
the one i would keep on my ipod... as a background on my phone, on my computer
the one i'd read about
spend crazy money on
meet total strangers just b/c they also love him
i miss my perfect other
i miss touchstone... my constant
i owe him everything... and he owes me nothing


so im just asking like if u see me upset or in a bad mood and u dont know why... well i feel like a part of me was torn out... and u can call that pathetic but u wouldnt laugh at an addict going through rehab... or someone who just got a divorce or going through a bad break up... there are these 2 people out there- and i dont care of technically they aren't real b/c to me they are more real then a whole lot of living breathing individuals walking this planet- and i just-i miss them- i miss them a lot- i feel like i just lost 2 people that i love and i cant even sit shiva for them...

thats it... i just wanted to say that...

Hashkafa

I hate the word hashkafa... i hate everything about the concept... why can't we all just follow Halacha and be Jewish... why do people have to label others- incl themselves and put each other into boxes and need to fit a mold... and why do people feel the need to tell you that you'll never find your husband if you can't fit into a box- and what if there is no box that describes who you are- what if you are just a compilation of a lifetime of experiences? What if your agree in theory with one hashkafa but feel more comfortable in another? What if you can't stomach everyone judging everyone else? What if you just want achdus for all of klal yisroel to get along and be happy and be able to daven together and eat by each other and listen and learn from each other's Torah... why does your future children's school care how you cover your hair or what kind of table cloth you use on shabbos or how thick your freaking stockings are?? why cant we all just follow halacha- last time i checked mishna brurah didnt saya anything about denim skirts or tichels or even tv- but then I DONT HAVE A COPY OF MISHNA BRURAH!!!

ok im done venting... oh except if u know of some guy who is looking for a girl who loves life and torah and doesnt judge others and isnt opposed to watching x-files then let me know...